To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.

What a week it’s been at Spoilerpiece Theatre! The crappy weather here (currently the lead story on several national newscasts) caused several critics’ screening cancellations, so all ya get this week is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, a movie that isn’t good, but is as good as any movie could be that started as TWILIGHT fan fiction. And besides, there’s plenty to say about it. We get into the nitty gritty of FIFTY SHADES, but not before grousing about Boston’s crappy public transportation. Kris, Evan, and Dave all agree on the movie, by the way — and they agree that the best way to talk about it is ridicule ceaselessly while acknowledging the talent of star Dakota Johnson and director San Taylor-Johnson. There are a million double entendres this week, ladies and gentlemen.

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