Marriage is the least insane thing to happen to Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey in FIFTY SHADES FREED.
This week starts with the guys yakking about the READY PLAYER ONE trailer, since Dave and Evan were forced to watch it twice in one sitting. The rest is about two new pictures coming to theaters. First, Kris reviews FIFTY SHADES FREED (3:41), the final chapter in the franchise, which he says redefines the term “captive audience.” Kris laughs at its batty kidnapping plot and explains how it connects to FIFTY SHADES DARKER, a movie that recently made him subscribe to HBO, just so he didn’t have to buy it on Amazon. Next, Evan and Dave take on Clint Eastwood’s THE 15:17 TO PARIS (29:22), a film so bad it actually makes Evan jealous of Kris. They rail against Eastwood’s decision to use real people instead of actors, its terrible dialogue, and its boring focus on minutiae.
To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.
What a week it’s been at Spoilerpiece Theatre! The crappy weather here (currently the lead story on several national newscasts) caused several critics’ screening cancellations, so all ya get this week is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, a movie that isn’t good, but is as good as any movie could be that started as TWILIGHT fan fiction. And besides, there’s plenty to say about it. We get into the nitty gritty of FIFTY SHADES, but not before grousing about Boston’s crappy public transportation. Kris, Evan, and Dave all agree on the movie, by the way — and they agree that the best way to talk about it is ridicule ceaselessly while acknowledging the talent of star Dakota Johnson and director San Taylor-Johnson. There are a million double entendres this week, ladies and gentlemen.