JUPITER ASCENDING, DUKE OF BURGUNDY, and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER on Episode #30

Maybe this rocketboot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

Maybe this rocket boot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

We spend a lot of time this week on JUPITER ASCENDING, and not because it’s good. Because – JAYSUS – it’s really, really bad. Like, so bad. You think THE MATRIX sequels were bad? YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET. This movie is a cesspool of overused ideas and underbaked plotlines. Gah. Evan and Dave absolutely lose their minds. Dave says “It’s so stupid” about a million times. At least Sean Bean survives (holy shit)! At least Kris makes an attempt at putting the movie in a broader cultural context (in his estimation: the Wachowskis made a Y.A. movie on purpose). Plus, Kris finally pissed Dave off, and not the other way around!

Then Kris briefs us on DUKE OF BURGUNDY (which he recommends) and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER (which he reluctantly recommends). Tangents this week include a dip into TITANIC, the new MAGIC MIKE movie, STEP UP, how much arm strength actors have, PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES,and the phrase “show your ass.” It all makes sense in the end. We swear.

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