Tag Archives: Evan Crean

03.20.15
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INSURGENT, THE GUNMAN, and GOODBYE TO LANGUAGE on Episode #36

“I don’t give a crap about your opinion, Tris. Just be glad I’m not grabbing you by the wrist again.”

“He marries her vindictively? Let’s analyze that statement.” In what kind of film does someone get married vindictively? In a film like THE GUNMAN (or in this case, specifically THE GUNMAN). Kris hated it so much he could barely get through spoilerpiecing it for Dave and Evan. They didn’t do much better with INSURGENT; Evan liked it. Dave didn’t. It’s YA action, adventure, and romance at its most bland (that’s what Dave thinks, anyway). And Kris touches briefly on Godard’s GOODBYE TO LANGUAGE. Tangents this week include reality TV shows that we wish existed so we could watch them; old-guy-killin’ movies; Dave’s dislike of Ray Winstone performances; the old, fat villain in COMMANDO; and we break down what Kris means when he says, “Sean Penn has made movies before?”

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03.13.15
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RUN ALL NIGHT, CINDERELLA, and IT FOLLOWS (HORROR) on Episode #35

run-all-night

Liam Neeson in RUN ALL NIGHT

This week’s bullshit segment is brought to you by: horse shit. We all wonder how the special effects guys in BACK TO THE FUTURE III made the manure look so real, and then Dave points out something that Kris never noticed in the first film. Kris is under the weather, but he soldiers through as we discuss RUN ALL NIGHT, CINDERELLA, and IT FOLLOWS. Dave heaps some hate on RUN ALL NIGHT and other Liam Neeson films that piss him off. He mixes up who is Danny and who is Mike in the movie, but it doesn’t matter. All he knows is that one looks like a low rent, Ryan Gosling. Kris gets inspired to start a fairy tale metal band before he and Dave talk about how surprised they are by all the praise CINDERELLA is getting. Their description of it reminds Evan of a SIMPSONS reference. Finally, Evan and Kris talk about how creeped out they were while watching the horror flick IT FOLLOWS. Neither of them scare easily, so you know it has to be good.

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03.06.15
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CHAPPIE, Die Antwoord, and cold pizza on Episode #34

“Chappie,” before he gets his ass blown off and rebooted by a dull Dev Patel.

It’s CHAPPIE time on Spoilerpiece Theatre! We delve deeply into Neill Blomkamp’s latest dystopian sci-fi flick, which two-thirds of the guys like; talk about Yolandi and Ninja from Die Antwoord; debate the merits of cold pizza on an episode of “Cooking with Kris”; take cheap shots at Nickelback; run through the list of fake names Bart supplies Moe the Bartender with on The Simpsons; rip on the title of THE SECOND BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL; and Kris and Dave tell Evan he needs to listen to more Prince.

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02.27.15
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FOCUS, THE LAZARUS EFFECT, and a tangent into Steve Perry on Episode #33

Will Smith and Margot Robbie do a lotta bonin' in

Will Smith and Margot Robbie do a lotta bonin’ in “Focus.”

You know it’s a good night at SPOILERPIECE when we break into a lengthy tangent about Journey, Steve Perry, and the video for “Oh Sherrie,” which Kris dubs “fuckin’ weird.” When we’re not talking about eighties pop-rock icons, we’re talking about aughts icons Tenacious D, and the movies FOCUS (which has a great performance by the underappreciated B.D. Wong), and THE LAZARUS EFFECT. One is worth seeing; one isn’t. In other news, Kris fills us in on his ongoing attempts to cook; Evan does more singing than he usually does; and Dave has a question about the Lego Oscar. Oh, what a night!

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02.20.15
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The Oscars, THE DUFF, and HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2 on Episode #32

Hey! It's just like the mirror trick in the first movie! But this time we're older and it's also totally not funny or inventive!

Hey! It’s just like the mirror trick in the first movie! But this time we’re older and it’s also totally not funny or inventive!

Ooh! We got your Oscar talk right here! So we’re talking about the glitz, glamor and gauche nonsense that is the Academy Awards. But first we hit the movies we saw this week. Kris made it through THE DUFF, a high school movie that, for Kris, doesn’t rank among the great high school movies. Then Evan and Dave saw HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2—and they’re dumber for it. On the plus side, we rip on the Oscars. Dave GOES OFF on the Oscar voter featured in “The Hollywood Reporter,” Kris enlightens us with jobs at NASA with funny names, and Evan explains the reason for his particular pronunciation of the word “biopic.”

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02.13.15
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY on Episode #31

To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.

To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.

What a week it’s been at Spoilerpiece Theatre! The crappy weather here (currently the lead story on several national newscasts) caused several critics’ screening cancellations, so all ya get this week is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, a movie that isn’t good, but is as good as any movie could be that started as TWILIGHT fan fiction. And besides, there’s plenty to say about it. We get into the nitty gritty of FIFTY SHADES, but not before grousing about Boston’s crappy public transportation. Kris, Evan, and Dave all agree on the movie, by the way — and they agree that the best way to talk about it is ridicule ceaselessly while acknowledging the talent of star Dakota Johnson and director San Taylor-Johnson. There are a million double entendres this week, ladies and gentlemen.

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02.06.15
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JUPITER ASCENDING, DUKE OF BURGUNDY, and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER on Episode #30

Maybe this rocketboot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

Maybe this rocket boot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

We spend a lot of time this week on JUPITER ASCENDING, and not because it’s good. Because – JAYSUS – it’s really, really bad. Like, so bad. You think THE MATRIX sequels were bad? YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET. This movie is a cesspool of overused ideas and underbaked plotlines. Gah. Evan and Dave absolutely lose their minds. Dave says “It’s so stupid” about a million times. At least Sean Bean survives (holy shit)! At least Kris makes an attempt at putting the movie in a broader cultural context (in his estimation: the Wachowskis made a Y.A. movie on purpose). Plus, Kris finally pissed Dave off, and not the other way around!

Then Kris briefs us on DUKE OF BURGUNDY (which he recommends) and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER (which he reluctantly recommends). Tangents this week include a dip into TITANIC, the new MAGIC MIKE movie, STEP UP, how much arm strength actors have, PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES,and the phrase “show your ass.” It all makes sense in the end. We swear.

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01.30.15
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A MOST VIOLENT YEAR and BLACK OR WHITE on Episode #29

“Baby, I love you, but quit talking to me like we’re in a 1950s gangster picture.”

As the Beastie Boys said, “Another plane, another train, another bottle in the brain, another girl, another fight, another drive all night.” What does that have to do with Spoilerpiece? IT’S MIDNIGHT, WHO KNOWS, DON’T JUDGE US. What we do know is that we got through 24 inches of snow (that’s twice the length of “Informer,” as far as we know) and convened for a late episode discussing the Mike Binder-directed Kevin Costner vehicle BLACK OR WHITE and J.C. Chandor’s third flick, A MOST VIOLENT YEAR. We also got into tangents about parking, abandoning cars, and Kris had a great story about drunk wasps. Evan didn’t leave his house for two days and there are birds in Dave’s bedroom. It was, as Dave’s college R.A. would have said, a fuggin’ week.

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01.23.15
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THE BOY NEXT DOOR, STILL ALICE, CAKE, AND SONG ONE on Episode #28

"Hey, Jennifer...I think this movie we're shooting may actually be really bad..."

“Hey, Jennifer…I think this movie we’re shooting may actually be really bad…”

HEY-O! It’s an especially dirty episode this week as we tackle movies with explicit sex and plots that make us swear in disbelief. That’s right, gang! It’s THE BOY NEXT DOOR, the Jennifer Lopez comeback vehicle that, if there’s any justice, will soon be playing at midnight shows alongside THE ROOM. Kris and Dave could NOT believe how awful it is – and they highly recommend it. Plus, Evan lays out the coma-filled grief-sex feature SONG ONE, and Kris explains that, in many ways, STILL ALICE and CAKE are the same movie. Plus, we talk about LAW & ORDER: SVU, and we’d love to know from you what movies we should commentary.

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01.16.15
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BLACKHAT AND AMERICAN SNIPER on Episode #27

Chris Hemsworth is a hacker who can also masterfully shoot guns in

Chris Hemsworth is a hacker who can also masterfully shoot guns in “Blackhat.”

Well, it finally happened. A movie made Evan really, really angry. And the thing that made him angry is a movie he otherwise liked. That’s right, gang! It’s Michael Mann’s BLACKHAT (which Dave didn’t know was Michael Mann until five minutes before the screening), and AMERICAN SNIPER. Plus, Kris has the best line of the night in his one-sentence description of Chris Hemsworth’s character in BLACKHAT. Anyway, there are plentiful tangents, and we also wanted to say thank you for listening! Last week was our most downloaded yet.

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