FOCUS, THE LAZARUS EFFECT, and a tangent into Steve Perry on Episode #33

Will Smith and Margot Robbie do a lotta bonin' in

Will Smith and Margot Robbie do a lotta bonin’ in “Focus.”

You know it’s a good night at SPOILERPIECE when we break into a lengthy tangent about Journey, Steve Perry, and the video for “Oh Sherrie,” which Kris dubs “fuckin’ weird.” When we’re not talking about eighties pop-rock icons, we’re talking about aughts icons Tenacious D, and the movies FOCUS (which has a great performance by the underappreciated B.D. Wong), and THE LAZARUS EFFECT. One is worth seeing; one isn’t. In other news, Kris fills us in on his ongoing attempts to cook; Evan does more singing than he usually does; and Dave has a question about the Lego Oscar. Oh, what a night!

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The Oscars, THE DUFF, and HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2 on Episode #32

Hey! It's just like the mirror trick in the first movie! But this time we're older and it's also totally not funny or inventive!

Hey! It’s just like the mirror trick in the first movie! But this time we’re older and it’s also totally not funny or inventive!

Ooh! We got your Oscar talk right here! So we’re talking about the glitz, glamor and gauche nonsense that is the Academy Awards. But first we hit the movies we saw this week. Kris made it through THE DUFF, a high school movie that, for Kris, doesn’t rank among the great high school movies. Then Evan and Dave saw HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2—and they’re dumber for it. On the plus side, we rip on the Oscars. Dave GOES OFF on the Oscar voter featured in “The Hollywood Reporter,” Kris enlightens us with jobs at NASA with funny names, and Evan explains the reason for his particular pronunciation of the word “biopic.”

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY on Episode #31

To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.

To alleviate the boredom between takes (and the boredom of the screenplay), DAKOTA JOHNSON and JAMIE DORNAN have a staring contest to stoke their actorly fires.

What a week it’s been at Spoilerpiece Theatre! The crappy weather here (currently the lead story on several national newscasts) caused several critics’ screening cancellations, so all ya get this week is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, a movie that isn’t good, but is as good as any movie could be that started as TWILIGHT fan fiction. And besides, there’s plenty to say about it. We get into the nitty gritty of FIFTY SHADES, but not before grousing about Boston’s crappy public transportation. Kris, Evan, and Dave all agree on the movie, by the way — and they agree that the best way to talk about it is ridicule ceaselessly while acknowledging the talent of star Dakota Johnson and director San Taylor-Johnson. There are a million double entendres this week, ladies and gentlemen.

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JUPITER ASCENDING, DUKE OF BURGUNDY, and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER on Episode #30

Maybe this rocketboot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

Maybe this rocket boot chase will disguise the fact that this movie fucking sucks!

We spend a lot of time this week on JUPITER ASCENDING, and not because it’s good. Because – JAYSUS – it’s really, really bad. Like, so bad. You think THE MATRIX sequels were bad? YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET. This movie is a cesspool of overused ideas and underbaked plotlines. Gah. Evan and Dave absolutely lose their minds. Dave says “It’s so stupid” about a million times. At least Sean Bean survives (holy shit)! At least Kris makes an attempt at putting the movie in a broader cultural context (in his estimation: the Wachowskis made a Y.A. movie on purpose). Plus, Kris finally pissed Dave off, and not the other way around!

Then Kris briefs us on DUKE OF BURGUNDY (which he recommends) and THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER (which he reluctantly recommends). Tangents this week include a dip into TITANIC, the new MAGIC MIKE movie, STEP UP, how much arm strength actors have, PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES,and the phrase “show your ass.” It all makes sense in the end. We swear.

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A MOST VIOLENT YEAR and BLACK OR WHITE on Episode #29

“Baby, I love you, but quit talking to me like we’re in a 1950s gangster picture.”

As the Beastie Boys said, “Another plane, another train, another bottle in the brain, another girl, another fight, another drive all night.” What does that have to do with Spoilerpiece? IT’S MIDNIGHT, WHO KNOWS, DON’T JUDGE US. What we do know is that we got through 24 inches of snow (that’s twice the length of “Informer,” as far as we know) and convened for a late episode discussing the Mike Binder-directed Kevin Costner vehicle BLACK OR WHITE and J.C. Chandor’s third flick, A MOST VIOLENT YEAR. We also got into tangents about parking, abandoning cars, and Kris had a great story about drunk wasps. Evan didn’t leave his house for two days and there are birds in Dave’s bedroom. It was, as Dave’s college R.A. would have said, a fuggin’ week.

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THE BOY NEXT DOOR, STILL ALICE, CAKE, AND SONG ONE on Episode #28

"Hey, Jennifer...I think this movie we're shooting may actually be really bad..."

“Hey, Jennifer…I think this movie we’re shooting may actually be really bad…”

HEY-O! It’s an especially dirty episode this week as we tackle movies with explicit sex and plots that make us swear in disbelief. That’s right, gang! It’s THE BOY NEXT DOOR, the Jennifer Lopez comeback vehicle that, if there’s any justice, will soon be playing at midnight shows alongside THE ROOM. Kris and Dave could NOT believe how awful it is – and they highly recommend it. Plus, Evan lays out the coma-filled grief-sex feature SONG ONE, and Kris explains that, in many ways, STILL ALICE and CAKE are the same movie. Plus, we talk about LAW & ORDER: SVU, and we’d love to know from you what movies we should commentary.

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BLACKHAT AND AMERICAN SNIPER on Episode #27

Chris Hemsworth is a hacker who can also masterfully shoot guns in

Chris Hemsworth is a hacker who can also masterfully shoot guns in “Blackhat.”

Well, it finally happened. A movie made Evan really, really angry. And the thing that made him angry is a movie he otherwise liked. That’s right, gang! It’s Michael Mann’s BLACKHAT (which Dave didn’t know was Michael Mann until five minutes before the screening), and AMERICAN SNIPER. Plus, Kris has the best line of the night in his one-sentence description of Chris Hemsworth’s character in BLACKHAT. Anyway, there are plentiful tangents, and we also wanted to say thank you for listening! Last week was our most downloaded yet.

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INHERENT VICE, SELMA, AND THE WORST MOVIES OF 2014 on Episode #26

Joaquin Phoenix in

Joaquin Phoenix in “Inherent Vice”

We promised it in last week’s episode and we didn’t deliver, so this week we finally get to the worst movies of 2014. Since we like to save the worst for last, we talk about two new movies we saw first: INHERENT VICE and SELMA. Tangents this week include veganism, pyschadelic drugs, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, and THE LONG GOODBYE among other things. The episode is a little longer than usual, but that’s mostly because we were having so much fun talking about farts. That and Evan almost fell asleep editing the episode. We promise it will be shorter next time.

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The Best Movies of 2014 (if we do say so ourselves) on Episode #25

Macon Blair in "Blue Ruin."

Macon Blair in “Blue Ruin.”

Happy new year, Spoilerpiecers! On this episode we each talk about our 10 favorite movies of 2014. There’s a lot of agreement and lots of disagreement. And then, totally organically, we venture into talk about cocaine, Aviator sunglasses, and Kenny Loggins. (Gotta love the tangents.) We hit upon LOCKE, THE DOUBLE, ENEMY, FRANK, SNOWPIERCER, ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE, BLUE RUIN, COLD IN JULY, JODOROWSKY’S DUNE…just to name nine. There are a bunch more. We’ll get to the worst movies of 2014 next time. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but these things happen around the holidays.

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INTO THE WOODS, ANNIE, and UNBROKEN! And Merry Christmas on Episode #24

"This is a crap movie but I'll put my heart and soul into it because Im Meryl Streep."

“This is a crap movie but I’ll put my heart and soul into it because I’m Meryl Streep.”

Merry Christmas! Happy (belated) Hanukkah! And, DUDE: Dave goes OFF on an epic anti-musical rant before we even get to INTO THE WOODS. Plus, Kris takes ANNIE apart, and Evan was pulled in two directions by UNBROKEN. We make some Marky Mark jokes, and the ending is a little looser than normal, but that’s because we all wanted to get home for tha holidays. Hope you got everything you wanted this year, from world peace to THE INTERVIEW On Demand!

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